My Head Hurts

....thinking about all of the things I would like to get done. I have a container full of photographs and books of photographs at my parents' house that I would like to scan and load into my Snapfish account. I have been wanting to work on this project for awhile. The older I get, the more important it is to me to "preserve" memories from photographs. I have been without a scanner for quite some time. Daniel just got a new printer/scanner/fax machine and I just got my laptop back since he purchased himself a new one. I mean, I could use "my" laptop if I wanted to, but when you "share" your computer it's just not the same. 

I have been wanting to write Ethan some letters.....letters telling him about myself and what I was like before he was ever thought of. I would also like to write "the story of us" (how his Daddy and I came to be). I keep thinking about all of the things I would like for him to know "just in case". I know this may seem very morbid to some of you, but the more I realize how brief this life can be, the more it makes me want to get these things done. In the grand scheme of things, he may care less, but at least I would know that if he ever had any questions, some of them would get answered. Believe me, I pray every day for my family's safety and my own, but "you just never know". We live in a crazy world where very crazy things happen. So, needless to say, I need to get some things done. 

I would like to rearrange my kitchen cabinets. They are an absolute wreck. One Saturday night a couple of months ago, I purged the bathroom cabinet on my side of the bathroom. This is something that had been driving me crazy for awhile. When I was finished, I felt a ridiculous sense of accomplishment. I guess it doesn't take a lot these days. (chuckling)

Before Ethan was born, Daniel would be gone on Thurs., Fri. and Sat. nights. I would get on the computer and listen to new music on itunes. I found great pleasure in my musical findings when I would my ears would fall on a song that would inspire me or take me back to simpler times......another piece of me I miss.

A friend of mine texted me the other day and told me that she needed a blog update. Well, here it is MC. I miss doing this regularly and when I began my journey blogging, I had a very strong desire to do it regularly. I guess it's just like anything else where I must make the time to do so. 

I am sad to say that reading my Bible has fallen by the wayside. I also have so many good, inspirational scripture related books that people have given me over the years that I know would definitely encourage and inspire me to be a better mother, wife, Christian and creature of this planet. When am I supposed to do all of these things? When? My mind feels so cluttered!!!! Yeesh!!

Last week, my mother gave me a book that I have been wanting to read for as long as I can remember. I saw it on Oprah when she interviewed the author. The book is entitled, "Night", by Elie Wiesel. The interview with Mr. Wiesel was very compelling and I want to dig deeper into his story. So, I am going to attempt to read it and get it back to my mother so she can read it next. It looks to be a relatively short book so maybe it won't take me long. 

I would love to reread "Tuesdays With Morrie" as I feel it was a source of great inspiration. I'm sure by now you are saying to yourself after reading this blog post, "What is her deal with inspiration?" Well, I don't know exactly. It's difficult to explain. I am thirsty for something more than what my daily life offers me. Don't get me wrong, I am in love with my husband and our precious baby boy. I feel very fulfilled. However, I believe I am experiencing a longing to regain some pieces of myself that make me "me". 

I am not a mother that lets go of my child easily to give myself "me" time. I don't go off with the "girls" as I don't know of any "girls" who aren't as busy as I am. I enjoy spending what time I can with my husband. Since we have had a child, it is more challenging to spend time alone; time to talk; time to cuddle; time to just "be". I am clueless.

I really enjoyed spending some time with my extended family the Saturday before the Fourth. I would like to make it a point to see some of them more. It's just so hard to gather all of the eggs in my basket. There are so many things I want. Weekends are not long enough. 

I miss my sister. Now that she has a 3 month old baby, her life is just as chaotic as mine. Time is not our friend these days. I just hope she knows that I do think about her. :)

I hope that no portion of this blog comes across as complaining. I am simply trying to clear my head and get some of my thoughts organized on this Friday evening. I hope you did not get so bored that you kicked your own computer and regretted taking the time to read my thoughts. 

I'll get it together. Just pray for me would you? lol

New Year's Resolutions 2011

Resolution #1: Greet people with a smile anytime anywhere.
#2: When I tell loved ones "we should get together", I am going to follow through.
#3: Everything I do I will do in love.
#4: Read my bible regularly and try to memorize scripture.
#5: Set aside time for prayer and meditation every day.
#6: Exercise more patience with people who irritate me.
#7: Volunteer.
#8: Attend WOF meetings at church.
#9: Respect my own feelings and not sweep my needs and wants under the
sake of "not rocking the boat".
#10: Be a better caregiver to my husband my child.
#11: Cultivate existing relationships that I have been neglecting.
#12: Blog more.
#13: Eat less.
#14: Take regular walks for my health and for personal growth.
#15: Notice God's beauty once a day whether it be looking at the sky, appreciating the
color of green, green grass or feeling the wind on my face.
#16: Love those who need to be loved even when they don't act like they deserve it.
#17: Worry less about things I cannot control.
#18: Strive to learn as much I as I can on my new job.
#19: Be more aware of and be careful with other people's feelings.
#20. Offer to help those who cannot help themselves.

I don't think any of these are too far fetched or too difficult to accomplish. I have been doing a lot of thinking this past week. What is strange is I have done more heartfelt thinking this past week NOT making the 2 hour drive every day this week. During my commute each morning and afternoon, I would spend time thinking about "how" I was going to continue making the drive. I would pray for God to allow those around me to be in a pleasant mood in spite of everything that was going on with our department. Negativity is a very powerful thing. Looking back, I guess I could've been a better cheerleader. However, as I said, negativity is very powerful thing. It sucks up every bit of happiness a person tries to exude.

I began my new job at Thomaston Hospice on January 3rd. The strange thing is that I never got jump up and down excited about it. God gave me the gift of calm and peace. I mean, I was excited at the thought of no longer having to make the drive, but calm trumped excitement. Every day is filled with something new. We have new admits and then there are the deaths. Death is imminent. It is coming for us all. The first thing I learned at hospice is that we exist to help provide a peaceful and dignified death while also helping loved ones cope with their loss. It is very sobering I must say. However, each death is a celebration honoring the person who lived. They are in a better place that's for sure.

Well, it is a new year. I have a new job. I am a new mother of 10 months and a wife of almost 3 years. There is so much I've learned and I know there's lots more. I will try to keep my heart and my eyes open. God will guide me. I have faith.